“NELSON MANDELA IS…
(only-just-perceptible pause for dramatic effect) …DEAD!”
The ITV News presenter was
rolling around in the enormity of the headline like a coke-fuelled toddler in a
ball pit. He spat the line with Shakespearean
tragic aplomb, as if we HADN’T been expecting this news for several years; but,
more annoyingly, as if the news wasn’t in itself important enough to elicit
emotion without such a crass whiff of sensationalism.
What’s wrong with, “Nelson
Mandela has died”? It is factual, objective
and allows the listener to choose their own emotion in response. I like “has died.” We should use “has died” more often. I wouldn’t advocate swinging so far away from
“is dead” to some kind of twee euphemism like “has passed away” which carries
all the nonsensical ballast of the fucking after-life as to suggest that we’d
need Derek Acorah reading that particular news item.
And then we had SKY News,
equalling ITV in its fondness for either sugar-coating or shit-coating each
news item, coaxing us into staying tuned for “MANDELA – THE FUNERAL.” There was even a trailer to this film. It clearly looked like it would be an
epic. So good, in fact, that SKY
executives were probably commissioning a creative team to brainstorm ideas for “MANDELA
– THE FUNERAL 2.”
So, why is it that I watch
the news with an expectation of being informed and those silly cunts who work
in telly have decided that I should be entertained? Because that’s what it is – entertainment. That’s how it’s conceived, presented and
edited – like a fucking variety show.
Perhaps because it’s all 24 hours now.
My favourite most galling
feature of any particular such “News Show” is the sharing of viewers’ tweets and
texts, as if another viewer would actually give a shit. Do I want to know what Susan from Slough says
about Mandela’s death, or do I want a sound-bite from someone who might have
actually known him and is therefore ten trillion times more relevant than soppy
Susan, who must suffer from some kind of social ineptitude to have even
contemplated tweeting her comments to these telly folk. (Oh look, they read out my tweet on telly, I’m
famous!)
Groan.
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