(Disclaimer: Originally, this post named 3 well-known celebrities, but for reasons outlined at the end, I have decided to conceal their identities.)
So, I’m flicking through the TV channels and chance upon a kids’ game show on BBC1 and its being presented by Celebrity A in a sparkling electric red lame suit. A number of thoughts go through my mind:
WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL ON TELLY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
WHO THOUGHT TO PUT HIM ON A KIDS SHOW?
DOES HE HATE THIS AS MUCH AS HIS EYES WOULD SUGGEST?
Because what Celebrity A has is something a number of other has-been TV personalities have and that’s DEAD-LOOKING EYES. Eyes with no sparkle, no life. Barney Rubble eyes. Eyes that say, I used to do comedy in the 80’s, present prime-time telly in the 90’s and now I’d do anything for the money like a desperate fame-junkie. Eyes that would scare the shit out of kids and send them running to a parent, eager to escape the creepy-looking, dead-eyed man.
Celebrity B has those same eyes. Lifeless and hollow. When he made his name performing magic on stage, his eyes had that twinkle of mischief. But now he looks like the whole world has decided that magic is a top-hat full of saggy old bunny’s bollocks and consequently he has nothing more to offer. The only thing left to do is agree to be the subject of a Louis Theroux documentary, oblivious to how he’ll come across when Theroux shrewdly gives him all the rope he’ll need to hang himself with pitiful indignity.
But these men can’t help it. They need the work. And they need the attention. How awful it must be to fall from the dizzy heights of 80’s Prime Time TV and find yourself the butt of everyone’s disdain.
Self-promotion has never been easier for these ex-celebs. If they can’t get on I’M A CELEBRITY (or any show, like Celebrity Big Brother, which used to cruelly expose their rotting personalities) then they can always open a Twitter account. Celebrity A appears to have tried this, but ran out of anything remotely interesting to say 587 days ago after only 57 tweets, the most entertaining of which are:
WATCHING THE CRICKET
(I AM) BACK PEOPLE – SPREAD THE WORD
SORRY BEEN VERY BUSY
REALLY INTERESTING TV PROJECT IN THE PIPELINE
You lying bastard! Busy doing what? Quite often these people are “writing material” that I could produce without any more need for paper than a few squares to wipe myself with afterwards.
Celebrity C fares much better on Twitter with a following of 67,509. But he HAS TO follow 5,904 people (unheard of for a celeb, as most tend to follow only about 30 other celeb mates) because that’s where he gets all his jokes from. He recycles other people’s witty tweets without crediting them (you can re-tweet or quote others on Twitter, but he does neither.) This has earned him scorn and notoriety and therefore ATTENTION and attention is EVERYTHING to the Dead-eyed Has-been Celebrity, isn’t it?
Celebrity A has encouraged people, on HIS Twitter account, to be nice to Celebrity C who is “feeling down about getting bad tweets.” SO FUCKING WHAT? GET THE FUCK OFF OF TWITTER THEN! You’d think that people who are only interested in self-promotion should have worked out by now that the British public despise it and tend to take the piss out of anyone who desperately courts attention that is not commensurate with the amount of talent they don’t have.
I feel mean and nasty laying into these 3 men, but only because Twitter provides an opportunity for my words to eventually find themselves relayed to them, and they seem so paranoid and self-obsessed that they probably spend their lives reading everything about themselves on the internet. You know, wake up, turn on the PC and Google your own name. What are they saying about me today? Oh, I’m a TWAT? Boo hoo hoo!
For that reason, I have concealed their names. They are not really bastards. They look it, but they’ve gone beyond that to become the puppets of that evil tyrant, the bastard god Fame.
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