Bitesize Bastards #4 Pointless E-Petitioners

Until recently I was unaware of the laudable extension of democracy by means of the government’s e-petitions website, which enables every one of us to create a petition which can become eligible for debate by MP’s if it attracts 100,000 or more signatories. It was only when the news reported strong support for “abolishing the ban on capital punishment” (a wonderful double negative) that I found myself engaging with politics through this website. (For the record, I signed a counter petition, to retain the ban, because much as I would happily smirk in triumph to hear of the untimely and distressing death of any paedophile, serial killer or rapist, that emotional response is not one that a society’s legislation should ever be based on.)

For the purpose of your humour today, however, I have decided to share with you some of the more idiotic, self-righteous and pointless e-petitions which members of the grunting British public have started. Obviously, some people are consciously trying to be funny on there, but it’s the more earnest efforts that cause me to roll on the floor laughing my fucking arse off (as you youngsters say with your acrostic cyber-speak.) I’ll include the link to the site at the end, should you wish to support the intellectually retarded causes of these misguided boneheads.

So that you can appreciate them all the more, each petition consists of a main statement followed (when you click “view”) by a synopsis of exactly what is being proposed. This adds to the unintentional wit, because some people just have the most wonderful turn of phrase. For instance, the person who started this petition:

“Relax somewhat TV political correctness rules.”

The details are as follows:
"I think that it is important to, only slightly, relax the rules regarding political correctness in British television. Although i belive this is important i think that it is equaly, if not more important, to remain un-bigoted. I think British television could remain fair,open minded and inclusive, without going 'over the top' as it evidently has in recent years."

Clearly, his notion of law-making is as sharp as his spelling ability. How the fuck do you relax the laws “only slightly” or “somewhat”? How do you word that in law? So far, no one else has signed this petition.

Some people clearly misunderstand the role of government in law-making. Mr Bettles, I respect your opinion about the quality of programmes on BBC3, but I really don’t feel that the government should be empowered to ban a TV channel, not even for the help that this act might give to the “tough financial climate” by saving license-payers’ money.

In the wake of the London riots, it was distressing to read about problems in other areas of the UK. Mr Sleight, proposing that “Mobility scooters should require a license” outlined the ordeals his community have gone through:

He explains: “Currently, in the streets of Bridlington (just one example) people are encouraged to ride mobility scooters whether they need them or not. Resulting in hazardous footpaths, congested shops, blocked roads and general nuisances.”

Yeah, we all know that only the fat and very lazy use those scooters. Perhaps his petition should have read “Make it legal to tip over a mobility scooter if the person driving it is eating take-away food at the same time.”

In a similar vein, there is a call for the “UK to drive on the right hand side of the road” with all cars to be made left-hand drive, in order to avoid accidents caused by foreign drivers. Currently 23 people agree with this. Presumably these same people do things like using a kitchen knife to peel off all their skin to treat eczema or excavate their whole garden to a depth of 10 feet whilst weeding.

I’d hoped to learn something from the petition to stop commercial banks creating money and only allow the Bank of England to do so. I didn’t know much about this, so I looked at the details and was intrigued by the argument until the proposer justified himself with this historical analogy:

“Ghenghis Khan did it! He just printed money and said, ‘In my land THIS IS MONEY and if you owe me money, this is the currency you have to pay me in.’ and people accepted it.”

And I love the naive way in which some people believe that a small and hilariously mundane change will have such far-reaching effects:

“Sort out Pelican crossings
The Prime Minister should make an announcement saying that there are no cameras on any pelican crossings in the country. Then, tell everyone that if the light is on red, and there is nobody on the crossing, just GO! This would save Billions of pounds to the economy, increase our standard of life and reduce carbon footprint.”

Inevitably, the joy of giving everyone a voice means that we have to listen to (or read in this case) the demands of our sizeable minority of bigots, racists and common-garden cunts. Such as Mr Pitt whose petition is a call to “Abolish Islam in the UK” because he feels that the religion is being “forced onto British people.” Hmmm. Love to see the evidence for that Mr Pitt.

Prick.

The site obviously appeals to that increasing number of people in society with a 10-second concentration span who just like doing things on computers, evident by the fact that these arses start up petitions which are exactly the same as existing ones, thus taking support away from a cause and handicapping its chances of reaching 100,000 and going to debate. DOH!

Anyway, see for yourself when you’re bored enough. Or anytime something pisses you off, you too can vent your frustration with a banal and pointless e-petition of your own:
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/