No, I don’t have a Bucket List, but I do have a Fuck-It List

The whole idea of having a list of things you want to do before you die is one of the most disingenuous fucking concepts that we humans indulge our vanity in.  Oh, I so want to do that before I die!  WHEN else would you be able to do it?

I don’t have a Bucket List.  This fact might make me slightly less interesting at a dinner party of people who don’t know each other very well.  It might make me slightly less interesting as a human being; because, let’s face it, the sorts of aspiring activities Bucket List compilers compile on their Bucket Lists are the kind of things many people do purely to appear INTERESTING.

Oh, you parachute, do you?  That makes you SO interesting.  Please tell me about it.  I don’t parachute.  I must be so fucking dull.

And that’s on my Fuck-It list.  Parachuting.  Will my life be any less fulfilling if I never parachute?  No.  I’ve been in a plane and I’ve enjoyed the view and at no point did I ever nurse the desire to jump out.  It’s scary.  I’d leave a trail in the sky as if I was in a stunt team known as the Brown Arrows.

Climb Everest?  Fuck it.  I love a good mountain, and I’ve enjoyed the odd climb.  I say climb, I mean walk upwards.  All that proper climbing with ropes and hooks and trusting your life to something that was on discount in Millets a week before is not my bag.  I’ve taken cable cars and trains up some Swiss peaks and absolutely loved it, been emotionally moved by the experience, but I didn’t feel the need to be able to boast about it afterwards.  You’re paying for the name with Everest, aren’t you?  It’s like the mountain version of Hollister when George at Asda will do.

OK, I’ll make a concession.  People climb Everest for the challenge rather than the view.  Fine.  People parachute for the challenge.  Fine.  Test yourselves out, take some personal pride out of the experience, feel good about yourself.  But don’t do it so that you can tell people you’ve done it, because that makes you a wanker.  I’m not knocking the people who do these things for themselves.  I admire them.

It’s not really those personal challenges that I am venting my usual unreasonable wrath towards.  It’s the other sort of shit people put on their bucket lists that make me think fuck it.  I checked out Bucketlist.org on the Internet and perused the Most Popular section.  And it really emphasises the paucity of people’s aspirations:

·       Attend a Masquerade Ball.  Meaning, go to a pointless party of dickheads who like dressing up.  Fuck that.

·       Jump into a Pool Fully Clothed.  WHY?

·       Rope Swing into Water?  What, in the hope that you are one of the 30+ people to appear on You’ve Been Framed every episode and have Harry Hill HILARIOUSLY refer to you as a celebrity you bear a passing resemblance to, if people squint?

·       Walk Barefoot in the Rain.  I’ve done this enough times when I’ve had to go out to the shed in shitty weather, so that can go on my Fuck-It list as well.

·       Publish a book.  Because anyone can?

·       Set a World Record.  What for?  Having the saddest Bucket List ever?

·       Try a Fried Snickers.  Why not combine this with the previous one and it’ll be the last thing you do before you die, anyway.

I like the way the website combines cheap ideas like eating fried Snickers bars with prohibitively expensive suggestions like swimming with dolphins, which yes, we’d all love to do, but paddling with ducks is about the closest most people might get.  So, instead of a load of amazing-but-unlikely-to-happen ideas or silly-arse-self-indulgent-pointless-poncing-about ideas, he’s my Bucket List for ordinary folk.  Five sensible things to do before you die:

·       Take out some life insurance

·       Lock the back door

·       Make sure everybody knows that you don’t give a shit what’s played at your funeral, because you won’t be able to hear it

·       Sell all the unwanted shit you possess that your family would only give to charity shops anyway and spend the money on booze and takeaways (or a holiday swimming with dolphins)

·       Beat up someone who tells you they’ve parachuted, because it was on their Bucket List and then say, “Well done.  Now try and guess what’s on mine.”